I am what I am....so get over it.

Hello Friends,


The article below was submitted by a newly made friend of mine. He has chosen to remain anonymous, not out of fear or embarassment, but out of respect for his family. This young man is kind, intelligent and happy. He is loved by a handsome man and by his friends and that is all that matters to him.

He like so many of us are faced with the balancing act of "living our lives" and not "hurting" others.

As I read his words my heart hurt, truly hurt. Not just for him, but for his family and for those "little ones" who are going to be met with the same ignorance and misunderstanding. By sharing his story, he makes it just a little easier for someone else; isn't that what it is all about. None of us...I repeat NONE of US get out of this alive, so lets try to make things just a bit better for those coming after us.

And for those who would Hate, and you know who you are, rember the words of the wise RuPaul, "BE NICE, there are enough bitchy queens out there". 
Continued Bliss and have a wonderful week.

Jeff Johnson


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Growing up in a strict Irish Catholic family, I always believed whatever I heard from the pulpit and from my devout mother. I loved my faith and believed it completely as only a young child can…blindly and without question. I started to question all of this my senior year in high school…the year I first started to realize that men were what I was interested in. The thought of growing up gay horrified me. I didn't know how my parents would react and I definitely did not know what to do with these emotions. I wanted to continue doing what I thought was "the right" thing…to deny who/what I was….unfortunately, as I got older, this became harder and harder to do.

I was away from home at college when I realized that I was gay…I had gone through the whole bisexual step ("Bi now, gay later," was a statement that would come true much to my dismay) and realized there was no fighting it. Unfortunately, college had to end and I had to return home. I was living at home with my parents as a recent college graduate, a devout Catholic and a closeted homosexual living with an unbearable amount of guilt. I continued to live the way I thought my parents wanted me to live as I spun lie after lie about where I was going at night and who I was with. I attended church, went to reconciliation (more commonly referred to as "confession") and tried like hell to fight what I was so scared to become….an openly gay man. Eventually, as all secrets tend to do (and like my sexuality), everything came exploding out. After hiding who I was for so long, I came out to my two brothers. My older brother went and immediately told my parents.

As I was sneaking home one night from a late night excursion at Connections, I walked into my parent's house to be greeted by my tearful mother and the fists of my father. My dad took his aggression and sadness out the only way he knew how…physically and verbally. Amid punches and shouts of, "SODOMITE!", I cursed my family for their hatred and ignorance. I ran out of the house and didn't return home for two years.

Eventually, I returned home to my family after my mother tracked me down and told me to come home. My parents wanted me to be happy and to them, homosexuality led only to unhappiness, loneliness, and moral decay. In an act I would later come to interpret as their love, they sent me to straight camp (yes, such things do exist). I don't remember much of the details of this camp, but I do remember being taught to deny my "impure impulses", seek God's council, and ask for help in fighting my sickness. I came home determined more than ever to become what my parents wanted…a cured homosexual who celebrated his faith. I started reading books by psychologists who believed homosexuality was merely a psychological ailment. I believed all this and continued to march forward on my path to "recovery".

Unfortunately, recovery never came..nor did peace of mind. I moved out of my parents house and became better at hiding who I was. I flirted with drugs, excessive alcohol, and promiscuity. I was looking for something that told me being gay was okay. After months of sex, drugs and destructive behavior I realized I was a mere shade of what I had once been. I realized if I were to be truly happy, I had to reconcile my religion and my sexuality…two gigantic parts of what made up me. The challenge became then to reconcile these two dueling beasts within me.

I was attending reconciliation at a church downtown in attempt stay morally pure. I had been trying to not have sex but was failing. As I was confessing all of my sins I finally spoke of sex to the priest. He asked me, "Sex with men or women?" I was scared and shocked but seeing as I was confessing, I told him the truth. The reply I received next shook my spiritual core. "Son, you are sick and need help. Having sex with men isn't right at all!" I was devastated. Hearing what I felt to be true within me reduced me to tears. I hurriedly finished my confession …shamed and embarrassed. However, it did not end there. The priest followed me out of the confessional (ignoring countless people seeking absolution) and attempted to see what I looked like. I was so humiliated I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and ran from the church.

My immediate response to the church and its teachings was venomous. I swore to never listen to another prayer, sermon, or mass. Living with all that venom though wasn't healthy. Eventually there comes a time in your life that you need to grow up and flourish. In order to do that, all negativity needs to be removed from your life. I slowly came to realize that religion was a perfect idea that ran thru an imperfect medium…man.

It is easy for us as homosexual men and women to want to point a finger at an institution and blame it. We have grown up with the stares, the guilt, and many times, the hate. However, if we are to be a community that preaches love and acceptance, we need to believe and live it down to our core. If you ask any homosexual what the Catholic church says about homosexuality they will more often than not respond with something negative. In fact, the actual teaching is that BEING a homosexual isn't wrong…it is the act itself of homosexual sex. Sex before marriage is wrong…whether you are gay or straight (according to the church). Now I know it just isn't possible to cloister yourself off from the world and live like a hermit..believe me, I have tried it! So here is where you have a choice. You can go through life hating the church, the people who attend mass, and those who spread God's word….or, you can choose to realize that the universal message that religion teaches in itself is beautiful. Religion seeks to keep us on the right track spiritually and morally. But these messages can get tainted by people's ignorance and hate.

It is our job to recognize this and serve as an example. Showing our capacity for love instead of hate is true enlightenment. The mediator between the brain and the muscles must be the heart. In our faith, we must remember, love is a stronger message than hate and true religion is about love…not hate.